NotitiesFu*k Fear
Richard Kerr
"Fu*k Fear" is een boek dat de lezer aanmoedigt om angst te omarmen in plaats van te bestrijden, door zelfcompassie en begrip voor de eigen emoties te ontwikkelen. Het biedt inzichten over hoe angst ons kan tegenhouden en hoe we deze gevoelens kunnen accepteren om vrijer te leven. Het benadrukt de kracht van kwetsbaarheid en het omarmen van onze volledige menselijke ervaring.
Life is everywhere. It surrounds us and it’s all here for the taking, to be embraced in all of its wonderful glory. But if you struggle with fear and anxiety, you can’t embrace it. (Location 88)
Fear has many forms: dread, worry, panic, insecurity, anxiety, shyness and much, much more. Nevertheless, they all have the same effect on your life — they hold you back from it. (Location 90)
Our knee-jerk reaction is to run away from fear, get rid of it, fight it, hide from it, reject it, deny it. The last thing we want to do is actually look at it and try to comprehend it. Isn’t it strange that our lives can be controlled by this powerful, dominant force that we barely even understand? (Location 157)
Knowledge and understanding shine a bright light on fear. They disperse the darkness and reveal the truth. Once we see our anxiety for what it truly is, we realize that there’s nothing to be afraid of and it loses its power over us. (Location 161)
Anxiety acts like it’s the top dog, but it’s not. You are. (Location 206)
This is another aspect of our survival instinct: we are ridiculously effective at spotting threats, whether they’re real or not. (Location 264)
Anxious feelings don't show up when it’s convenient. They pop into your life on their own terms — not yours. Generally, they ambush you when it’s most inconvenient. They like to interrupt the regular flow of your thoughts and make even the simplest tasks difficult. (Location 282)
The feelings of derealization and disconnection are merely side effects of your body reacting to stress hormones activated by the fight-or-flight response. (Location 373)
Trying to defeat these types of fear with logic is generally a waste of time. (Location 405)
When fear feels more real than facts, the facts don’t seem to matter. (Location 405)
Situation: I fear rejection. Solution: Easy! I’ll just reject everyone else before they can reject me. Ha ha, I win! Who needs friends anyway? They just get in the way. Besides, I’ve always seen myself as the cool loner type anyway. (Location 435)
Avoidance is a short term fix, that creates long term issues. Each time you run, you feel weaker. Your fear of anxiety increases. Your life shrinks. You feel more trapped. (Location 445)
To protect myself from the pain of rejection, I rejected her. (Location 481)
Anxiety contracts the heart and makes connection with others challenging. (Location 486)
I created a new me, a fake me, based on how I imagined a non-anxious version of me would behave, rather than on how I truly felt. (Location 492)
When you're so focused on creating a fake persona, you stop noticing other people. You stop listening. You're too worried about what you're going to say next. I was no longer having conversations. Instead, I was performing a full-blown stage show called “Look at How Wonderful I Am! Please Love Me, I'm Not Weird!”. But there was no depth to my persona. (Location 499)
Note: ShoW
Like a sinking ship desperately trying to keep itself afloat, I put pressure on every conversation, every interaction, every opportunity to prove myself worthy of love. If I didn't receive constant reassurance that people liked me, I’d become terrified that they did not. (Location 507)
Afterwards, I would replay every social situation in my head. I would wonder endlessly what that person really meant when he said such-and-such. I would scrutinize my performance, analyze it, criticize it. Conversations that other people wouldn't give a second thought to. (Location 510)
My fragile self-esteem became utterly dependent on perceived judgment of others. The critical word here is perceived. In reality, I had no idea how they perceived me. (Location 516)
funny: I was constantly looking for people to accept me, but the whole time I was rejecting myself. (Location 518)
Eventually, I became a compass in the North Pole — directionless. I had no idea who I was. Out of desperation, I started trying on different personas as if I was trying on a new suit, just to see how they would (Location 519)
I noticed that anxiety energy is very similar to the energy of excitement. So I turned my anxiety and fear into the latter. (Location 522)
Always excited, always ready to party, everything turned up to eleven. But I was always a bit too loud, too brash, too noisy — a little off. I just hoped that no one would look too closely and see the pain underneath. (Location 526)
We can hide in the noise. (Location 535)
I get self-righteously angry about trivial stuff just so that I have something to clutter my mental space with. (Location 573)
Studies show you can’t control your thoughts. (Location 604)
If I'm truly honest, I think the biggest reason why I never told anyone was that it would have made it harder to deny. (Location 631)
By not telling anyone — or even getting a second opinion from a different doctor — I failed to get the support I so desperately needed. (Location 634)
Grief isn't just a mood or an emotion. It's a state of being. (Location 656)
A profound weight now pressed on my shoulders and gripped my stomach. Existence contained an undercurrent of despair and uncertain yearning. (Location 658)
It hurt too much to fail over and over again. Staying down was easier than falling and then trying to get back up again. (Location 710)
At least by maintaining a low-grade depression, I could shield myself from real unhappiness. (Location 718)
If you're trapped in the fog of anxiety and depression, adrenaline can feel like manna from the gods. (Location 728)
Quietly, without any trumpets, drama or an Oscar-worthy speech, I chose to be fully responsible for my life. (Location 773)
The bottom line was, I may not have been responsible for creating my anxiety or my fear, but I was responsible for how I responded to it now that it was here. I was responsible to how I felt, rather than for how I felt. (Location 777)
It’s not always a big dramatic event that shakes us out of our slump. Sometimes, it's the smallest things that turn everything around. (Location 782)
This was my first step towards freedom. Taking responsibility for where I was at. (Location 785)
Taking responsibility for your suffering can be a hard pill to swallow — especially when it’s not your fault — but let’s make one thing absolutely clear: once you own your suffering, an amazing thing happens. It frees you. You’re no longer stuck. You’re no longer a helpless victim of your circumstances. You can now move forward with your life. (Location 789)
That was a huge epiphany for me — realizing that I was there all along. I hadn’t lost my personality. Yes, I was a lot more cautious, wounded, sensitive and vulnerable, but I was still me. I found myself again. What an incredible relief! (Location 824)
At this level, I could function. I could operate on a day-to-day basis. But it still felt like half-living. I wasn’t wholly trapped, but I wasn’t exactly free. (Location 827)
In truth, I still hadn’t gotten to the root cause of the issue. (Location 829)
I fully allow myself to be completely dysfunctional. I let go of all resistance and let my anxiety do whatever it wishes. (Location 920)
After some time, I begin to notice that my experience is no longer an unpleasant one. I feel, to my surprise… good. Now that I’ve stopped caring what my anxiety is doing, I don’t really feel that anxious anymore. (Location 925)
It’s only when you finally let go of tension that you realize how tense you’ve really felt. (Location 927)
Eventually, I stumble on a website about the process of accepting anxiety, which sounds like something I’ve just experienced. It’s by a guy called Barry McDonagh. His blog posts really resonate with me. He talks about how the key to breaking free from anxiety is accepting it rather than fighting it (by the way, I strongly recommend checking out Barry McDonagh’s work on anxiety, especially his fantastic book DARE, which can be found on Amazon). (Location 935)
Note: Accept anxiety
If we feel threatened by or afraid of our fight-or-flight response, we sustain it. Our fear of our fight-or-flight response keeps triggering our fight-or-flight response. We become trapped in a vicious loop. (Location 948)
I can't stop feeling anxious because I feel anxious about feeling anxious! Really? (Location 951)
When you fight against the fact that you feel anxious, you’re adding new feelings of anger, frustration and stress into the pot. This exacerbates your suffering — but more importantly, by struggling against anxiety, you signal to your body that you must be in danger. (Location 952)
Note: Signalling your body
Adrenaline and cortisol surge through my body, spiking my heart rate and jittering my muscles. Once the physical response kicks in, the anxiety and fear become real. (Location 959)
Now that I think about it, it's kind of ironic that my own misguided self-preservation mechanism would end up convincing me that the imagined threat was real. (Location 964)
Fear triggering more fear. Worry driving worry. Stress causing more stress. A seemingly endless loop where my fear of anxious sensations creates more anxious sensations. (Location 969)
The key to breaking free from anxiety is changing your emotional reaction to it. You have to accept your own anxiety and learn to be comfortable with it. In doing this, you no longer prolong or amplify the fight-or-flight response, so the feelings weaken and dissipate over time. (Location 977)
As I look over the battlefield of my life, I’m shocked by the destruction. The collateral damage is pretty extensive. Each fight with anxiety has left me a little bit more scared, worn-down, weary, isolated, fearful, judgmental and distrustful. The war effort requires constantly lying to those who love me, keeping people at a distance, numbing my feelings and distracting my thoughts. After ten years of fighting anxiety, the only real results are increased feelings of anger, despair and hopelessness, loss of any confidence and self-respect, and a clawing, desperate need for approval from others. (Location 985)
Each time I try to shut out my fear, I end up strengthening it. Each time I deny its existence, I make it stronger. Each time I try to hide from it, it grows. (Location 991)
The more I resist, the more my anxiety persists — and the more I suffer. (Location 995)
Suffering = Discomfort × Resistance (Location 997)
Note: Wow
Yet the moment I chose to just let my anxiety do its own thing, the moment I stopped fighting, it started to melt away all by itself. (Location 1007)
I chose to stop fighting my anxiety. I chose to end the war and let go of resistance. (Location 1010)
By having a strong emotional reaction (fear, anger, hatred, resistance) to our fight-or-flight response, we prolong and amplify it. If we stop having a strong emotional reaction and instead become more accepting and comfortable with how our fight-or-flight response makes us feel, these feelings will weaken and dissipate over time. Feel it, but don’t fight it. (Location 1017)
I step away from the computer, lie flat on the floor once again and stare up at the wood panel ceiling. Yes, I know, it’s a little strange, but it helps me feel grounded, it helps me think and it helps me see things from a new perspective. Besides, there’s no one around to judge. (Location 1025)
Am I really going to allow myself to feel all my feelings and be completely okay with that? I guess so. (Location 1027)
Making peace with anxiety is challenging. Our habitual knee-jerk reaction to resist can be strong. We need to go a little deeper in order to break free. (Location 1059)
The sensation of fear comes from such a deep part of my core being that it convinces me that it must be true — but it’s not. It’s just a very intense feeling of fear that actually holds no real threat. This feeling convinces me that I’m in danger, but in reality, there’s no danger. (Location 1088)
Anxiety is just fight-or-flight chemicals rushing through my body. (Location 1092)
It’s like that overly sensitive smoke alarm that goes off whenever you cook dinner — inconvenient, loud and annoying, but there’s no real threat. (Location 1108)
Out of habit, my mind starts to worry. “Oh, no… I don’t like this. This feels wrong. I shouldn’t feel like that…” This time, however, I don't try to argue with it. I don't try to rationalize or alleviate my concerns. I don't try to outsmart my feelings or change the narrative, and I certainly don’t get out my bullet point slideshow to explain to myself why I shouldn't feel this way. (Location 1113)
I know these thoughts are just habitual worries. There’s no weight behind them. (Location 1117)
By putting our energy into whatever it is that we don't want, we enable it to stay. (Location 1118)
Anxiety is a ‘pretend’ fear. You are safe. The key to accepting anxiety is to stop taking it so seriously. You can say, “Fu*k it!” and shrug off your concerns. (Location 1126)
Saying “Fu*k it!” was a secret key to releasing myself from the prison of resistance. (Location 1133)
I’ve never really allowed myself to experience these feelings before. I always instantly reacted, rather than calmly felt. It’s the difference between freaking out when the shower suddenly goes cold and staying inside to calmly explore the cold sensation. It’s tapping into that deeper, less reactive you. It actually starts to become interesting. (Location 1134)
Note: Cold shower
I have so many unanswered questions. What is this thing I’m so afraid of? How does my fear actually feel in this moment, without my imagination running amok? What happens if I don’t run? What’s at the end of my anxiety? (Location 1137)
try to feel what my body’s actually experiencing — not an abstract idea of it, not a judgement, but the actual, living, breathing experience. (Location 1138)
Note: Not abstract
I realize that although I’m feeling fearful sensations, I’m not afraid. These are two very different things. You feel fear in your body, not in your mind. I wasn’t aware of that before. (Location 1140)
Some emotions are bigger than your body. Fear is one of them. When you experience intense fear, it's not just in your bones. It occupies a space outside your body. (Location 1146)
Once you stop imagining how bad it’s going to be and actually feel it, the experience is completely different. (Location 1154)
Note: Dit
When you feel sensations in your body, it's really up to your mind to judge your response. (Location 1157)
Once you drop your expectations, concerns and imagined fears, all you’re left with is just a simple sensation of discomfort. That’s all. (Location 1163)
Note: Just discomfort
Anxiety needs me to react — otherwise, it’s powerless. If I don’t run from it, it can’t chase me. If I’m not afraid of it, it can’t scare me. If I don’t fight it, it can’t hurt me. The less I react, the less power it holds. (Location 1174)
Anxiety acts all big and scary, but once you allow yourself to feel it (all of it, without resisting or letting your imagination run amok), it’s nowhere near as bad as you think it’s going to be. It’s no big deal. Anxiety needs you to react and be afraid of it. If you’re not afraid, it’s powerless. (Location 1177)
Anxiety is a part of me... Those anxious sensations are a part of my feelings. They belong to me. Even though I don’t want them, they’re still my feelings. (Location 1189)
Every time I tried to run from anxiety, I was running from myself. (Location 1194)
If I treated anyone else the way I treat my own feelings, I’m sure they would be anxious too! (Location 1205)
By saying “Fu*k it!” and dropping the struggle, I’ve stopped resisting my anxious feelings. Now I take it to the next level. I step towards my anxiety and warmly embrace it. (Location 1207)
I imagine a sanctuary in my mind. I make it huge. It’s a special place, built expressly for my uncomfortable feelings. I give them all the room in the world to do their thing. (Location 1218)
Our emotional states are our most intimate experiences. How we treat our feelings determines the quality of our relationship with ourselves. To embrace the fullness of your humanity is to embrace all of your feelings (including fear and anxiety). By warmly embracing your anxiety, you bring tender, compassionate feelings into the mix and help your fear to diffuse faster. (Location 1236)
Six words that sum up the whole approach in a neat bundle: “Fu*k it, just bring it home”. (Location 1258)
You’re simply less resilient to stress than other people. That’s all. That’s all it ever was. There’s no need to take it personally. (Location 1270)
Once you’ve got your statement in place, you then need to let go. We all have an amazing ability to let go, and all you need to do is tap into that. (Location 1278)
This is where the magic really starts. I want you to recognize that these uncomfortable feelings that you’ve been rejecting are actually an integral part of you — a part of your deep, inner self that is wounded and in pain. You may have been fighting, running away from and denying this part of yourself for years. This part of you wants to be loved, wants to be safe, wants to be at peace, wants to be recognized as good, wants to not hurt. That’s why it has been chasing after you. It’s been desperately wanting you to finally bring it home, to finally recover this exiled part of your being. (Location 1296)
For step 2 of the Fu*k fear technique I want you to embrace that part of you that has always felt alone, afraid, worried and anxious. (Location 1301)
This is an active move, not a passive one. You aren’t just accepting or tolerating your feelings — you’re actively embracing them. (Location 1303)
Bring home that lost part of you and let it be present within you. (Location 1310)
It's important to fully commit to this process. A half-assed approach won’t cut it. The more you embrace discomfort, the faster it diffuses and the less it bothers you. (Location 1319)
What makes the Fu*k Fear technique so powerful is that it allows you to quickly bypass your anxious brain to engage your heart. Your head thinks, “Fu*k it!”, your heart embraces it. That’s important. Healing happens in your heart. (Location 1332)
If there’s anything I’ve learned over the years, it’s that our compassionate side isn’t a weakness — on the contrary, it might be our greatest strength. (Location 1343)
If used right, compassion is like a superpower. If applied to our own selves, it can be far greater and far more powerful than our fear. (Location 1344)
The opposite of fear is not courage. The opposite of fear is compassion. (Location 1345)
In order to feel compassion towards yourself, you must be willing to face your pain instead of burying your head in the sand. That’s the essence of bravery. (Location 1348)
1. Any difficult situation can be instantly improved by adding some warmth and self-compassion into the mix. (Location 1350)
2. The process of learning how to be compassionate towards ourselves teaches us that our feelings are important and deserve to be cared for. (Location 1356)
3. Self-compassion teaches us how to come to our own rescue. The unknown and the difficult is not so scary when you know how to comfort yourself. It’s extremely empowering to know that we can feel loved, cared for and watched over no matter what we’re going through. (Location 1359)
The boy sacrifices his freedom in order to feel safe. (Location 1373)
We all have that scared little child inside of us. The question is, how do you treat that child? (Location 1380)
The more oxytocin there is in your system, the stronger the feelings of peace, safety and connectedness are. This can result in an instant drop in your anxiety levels. Generally, you feel this as a soft, pleasant sensation of relaxation and warmth spreading out from your stomach and helping your muscles loosen up a little. (Location 1395)
Fighting, resisting and distracting myself from anxiety required so much mental effort from me that I could barely think straight. Now that I’ve finally let go of that struggle, I’ve gained some additional mental bandwidth and headspace. (Location 1419)
I continue to comfort my anxious feelings with the help of my compassion cloud. It makes me feel grounded. As long as I allow my anxiety to do whatever it wishes, I’m able to place my focus elsewhere. I can move on with my life. (Location 1426)
Most of us don’t know this, but our ability to focus is one of our greatest strengths. Studies show that we have little to no control over our emotions, feelings or thoughts — however, one of the very few things that we can control is our focus. (Location 1432)
Instead of focusing on our anxious feelings, we can choose to place our attention on the life that‘s unfolding around us. We can allow ourselves to get absorbed in hobbies, interests, conversations, work, nature, whilst allowing our anxiety to run amok in the background. (Location 1437)
The point is, by no longer putting all of our energy into fighting what we don't want (anxiety), we can redirect our energy towards the things we do want (life!). (Location 1440)
I must stress, however, that changing the object of your focus is very different from distraction. Distraction requires a huge mental effort because you’re trying to block out your anxiety and fear completely. Ironically, the mental effort required to block out anxiety eats up all of your attention and focus. Blocking anything out just doesn’t work. (Location 1441)
The more connected you feel to the world around you, the more grounded you’ll feel. (Location 1446)
I want you to let go of the idea that we’re trying to get rid of anxious feelings. That's never going to be the case. We’re not trying to replace anxious feelings with positive ones. If your anxiety subsides, that's great — but making it subside is not the goal. This is one of the most common mistakes people make when trying to get over anxiety. The goal is to tenderly embrace our discomfort and pain, whilst still allowing that discomfort to exist. It’s to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. (Location 1473)
Patience is the name of the game. When you’re feeling anxious, you’re desperate for the feeling to go away — but if you’ve triggered your fight-or-flight response earlier on, your body is now flushed with anxiety hormones, which can take hours or even days to clear out of your system. It’s like waiting for boiling water to cool: it simply takes time. (Location 1521)
So I’m sensitive to anxiety. What’s wrong with that? So I feel a bit shit today. Is that such a huge problem? In what reality can I honestly expect to feel wonderful and fantastic all the time and never experience a moment’s discomfort? (Location 1547)
It’s time to lower my ridiculous standards and accept the person I am now, rather than struggle endlessly to be someone else. (Location 1555)
I’ve finally taken off my mask. No pressure to be super confident. No pressure to be wonderfully fantastic. No pressure to be free of anxiety. No more pretending. No more hiding. No more faking. (Location 1561)
When we drop the fantasy, we feel less dissatisfied with life. The more we notice and appreciate the goodness in our surroundings, the happier we are. (Location 1581)
I’m tempted to push the feelings away and ignore my pain, but I’ve already spent too many years running from myself. If I’m to embrace the fullness of my humanity, I must embrace all of it — the positive, the negative and the neutral. (Location 1591)
I can’t pick and choose what parts of me to accept and be okay with. (Location 1593)
To be fully awake to life means showing up for both the easy and the difficult, the joyous and the sorrowful. (Location 1594)
Basically, I do anything I feel like doing — 100% guilt-free. How does it make me feel, you wonder? It makes me feel great! For the first time ever, I acknowledge that my pain and suffering deserve a kind, caring response. It’s nice to embrace the part of me that has always felt alone, abandoned and unsupported. Even amongst the discomfort, it feels good to be cared for. The experience is one of spending the day with someone who loves me unconditionally, who doesn’t judge me and who doesn’t think it's wrong to pamper myself a little when I’m feeling down. (Location 1600)
That day, spent lying on the sofa, doing nothing much in particular, made me realize something crucial: the way I treat myself when I’m suffering is more important than getting over it. (Location 1606)
Too often we beat ourselves up just because we’re suffering. (Location 1607)
Note: Wow
However, to really break free from anxiety and fear, it’s imperative that we learn to look after ourselves. (Location 1609)
We all have days when our confidence abandons us. We all feel extra sensitive, on edge and stressed from time to time. Welcome to the human race! (Location 1616)
No one is immune to stress, fatigue and negative feelings. (Location 1622)
All feelings are a part of life. All emotions are valid and important. They enrich, color and amplify our existence. Grief helps you slow down and contemplate life. Anger helps you stand up for your beliefs. Doubt helps you assess your skills. Sadness is a healthy response to loss. Anxiety can let you know that you’re currently in a difficult situation. (Location 1624)
Note: Enrich
A great question I always recommend asking yourself is this: what would you tell your best friend if they were in the same situation? (Location 1628)
Note: Question
Don’t be afraid to go BIG! Be much kinder and more supportive to yourself than you think you should be. Your compassion muscle is probably so weak right now that it desperately needs a decent workout. (Location 1635)
Note: Compassion muscle
Bring yourself home. Rather than try to change your feelings, you can embrace them and treat yourself as you would treat a good friend. (Location 1638)
We’re all human. Like all humans, we feel insecure, not good enough, inadequate, disappointed, sad, unloved at times. This is all part of being human. This is all part of life. The fantasy that everyone else is living a perfectly happy life is just that: a fantasy. (Location 1652)
She realized that it wasn’t okay. So she decided to accept her suffering. She decided to own it, so that other people wouldn’t have to. It was an unbelievable show of strength and acceptance during an incredibly challenging time. (Location 1678)
If we can apply as little as one percent of that acceptance and understanding to our anxiety, we can help alleviate our suffering. We can let go of the question “Why me?” and instead ask ourselves, “Why not me?” (Location 1680)
I’m sorry. Sorry for what?.. Sorry for hating myself because I’m not perfect enough. Sorry for being so ashamed of who I am. (Location 1693)
If you suffer with anxiety, I recommend you forgive yourself too. There is a lot of power in forgiveness. It’s a simple choice. You can do it right now. Spend a couple of minutes alone and forgive yourself for your history with anxiety. (Location 1706)
We all have bad days. Today is my bad day and right now, I feel a little more okay, a little more compassionate towards that fact. (Location 1728)
“Fu*k it. Just bring it home!” is a power move. It trumps everything. (Location 1729)
Everything can be embraced within the warm, caring support of compassion — even the fact that you’re not feeling very compassionate! (Location 1730)
1. You must deeply love it. Start by thinking of something that makes it easy for you to get your compassion juice flowing. Whatever you visualize, it’s very important to feel a strong sense of love towards it. (Location 1752)
2. Imagine it being annoying right now. Let's be honest: anxiety is a pain in the ass. It's annoying and we’d rather not deal with it. So let your visualization reflect the annoying aspect of your anxiety. (Location 1756)
3. Make it silly. Silly works brilliantly here. Silly is your friend. We tend to imagine fear as very serious, dark, brooding and dangerous, but our minds are fully capable of painting a very different picture. Nothing undercuts the seriousness as well as a bit of playfulness and silliness does. (Location 1762)
Ultimately, though, when you look at this mental image, you want to feel love. A deep, tender, unconditional love. (Location 1767)
My stress levels are rapidly rising. I’m aware that I’m resisting reality again. I’m trying to force situations to be the way I want them to be. I’m creating my own tension. Really, this isn’t about the traffic jam. It’s about control. How many things do we have control over in our life? Just about zero, right? (Location 1792)
Note: Control
Modern life is a catastrophe. It’s a series of crises, disasters and little things that go wrong along the way. And, to top it all off, we all grow old, get sick and die eventually. (Location 1800)
Embracing it doesn’t mean that you’re satisfied with the way things are or that you’re resigned to tolerating them as they “have to be”. Embracing it simply means seeing things as they are. It means taking each moment as it comes and being with it fully, just as it is. That way, it doesn’t weigh you down so much. You can navigate around it. (Location 1810)
Every magician knows you should never reveal your secrets. Why? Because “magic” is just a fragile veneer with little substance. (Location 1850)
Habituation is a natural process that causes our response to frequently repeated stimuli to diminish over time. (Location 1863)
The more we hang out with our anxious, fearful feelings, the less scary they become. As they begin to feel familiar and our nervous system gradually learns that these feelings aren’t something to be feared, it gets easier and easier to tune them out and just get on with things. Eventually, these feelings disappear altogether without you even noticing that they’re gone. (Location 1893)
It’s important that you allow your anxiety to stay for as long as it needs to. Remember, that's your anxiety. You’ve created it. It has every right to be there. It naturally takes time for anxious feelings to dissolve. (Location 1942)
My wounds are healing, yet they’re still tender. (Location 2040)
Besides, now that I’m making good progress, the worst mistake I could possibly make is falling back into my old routine. (Location 2049)
Like a man possessed, I take every opportunity to flex my Fu*k Fear muscle. (Location 2053)
Each day I do something, however small, that pushes me outside my comfort zone. (Location 2057)
When you feel any resistance against stepping outside your comfort zone think, “Fu*k it!” and drop your concerns. Drop your guard and drop your need for control. Refuse to get caught up in all the reasons why you should play it safe. You don’t need to pay them any heed. Soften your mind, soften your resistance. Trust that you can deal with whatever comes up. Trust in your ability to ride the wave of your moment-to-moment experience. Trust in your ability to make it all up as you go along. All the wisdom and knowledge you need to persevere is already there, inside (Location 2066)
Whatever you experience as you step outside your comfort zone, just bring it all home to you. The good and the bad. Embrace it all. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. (Location 2072)
Studies show that people who try to suppress their fear before giving a public speech not only feel more anxious, but also have higher heart rates. (Location 2073)
Why would you do that if you’re not conquering any fears? (Location 2078)
Fear can be serious and grim, but if you’re safe (and you are safe), fear can be energy, excitement, drive, tingles down your spine and jitters during your first date. It can be one of the greatest pleasures in the world. (Location 2081)
Besides, stepping outside your comfort zone generally means allowing yourself to feel vulnerable. That’s just a fact of life. (Location 2083)
I used to detest feeling vulnerable. It made me feel weak, exposed and insecure. But I’ve learned to find the deliciousness in it. Being vulnerable offers me relief from having to hide from my true self. It gifts me the simplicity of just being who I am — without having to change a thing. (Location 2084)
Note: Vulnerable
When we drop our guard, all situations become more spontaneous, open and unfettered. Life feels a little bit more adventurous. For me, this is the essence of freedom and feeling truly alive. (Location 2088)
Being open to our vulnerability does not make us weak. Far from it. In fact, it might just be one of our greatest strengths. It allows us to do all of the things that we’ve been too afraid to do before. (Location 2090)
Embracing my vulnerability has allowed me to overcome my fear of writing this book. (Location 2097)
When you’re no longer threatened by your inner world, an amazing thing happens. It’s hard to put it into words, but when you realize that nothing in your inner world can stop you, the outer world becomes less scary. You feel… free. (Location 2098)
When you come from a place of honesty, people see that. They really do. They value and respect you for being brave enough to be yourself. (Location 2101)
Try doing something every day that gently pushes you towards your own vulnerability. See it as essential training. (Location 2106)
Perhaps you could find something you’ve been delaying for a while and lean into the discomfort of it. (Location 2109)
Note: Lean into Discomfort
The key is to fully support yourself, no matter what. It doesn’t matter if you slip up, fall down, get scared or get lost — as long as you always have your own back, you’re going to be just fine. (Location 2113)
Each time you step forward into life, be proud of yourself for that achievement. (Location 2115)
We all have our unique, personal “boiling points” — certain levels of stress that cause us to feel sensitized and edgy. What's too much for us might be fine for others. It can be really helpful to get a feel for our own stress capacity. (Location 2127)
After testing my limits for a few weeks, I’ve found out that they’re by no means impressive. Actually, my tolerance bar is pretty low. 2 or 3 cups of coffee can turn me into a wired mess. (Location 2129)
Avoid coffee after 3 P.M. No more than one cup of coffee per day. And take a few days off coffee altogether from time to time. (Location 2134)
If possible, have a nap instead of coffee as a pick-me-up. (Location 2135)
Give yourself some cave time if and when you need it. (Location 2138)
Have some quality alone time every few days. Avoid getting too run-down or tired in general. (Location 2138)
Observe your reactions to different situations. Notice what works for you and what doesn’t. (Location 2145)
Once you’re aware of your limits, be clear and honest with yourself. (Location 2148)
Let’s talk about something that’s closely related to anxiety — exhaustion. Most people don’t realize just how exhausting being anxious can be. (Location 2150)
That's the thing with anxiety: you’re exhausted, yet you don't feel tired. You feel wired. You're so out of it that your body doesn't even register how tired you really are. (Location 2152)
The more exhausted and burnt-out you are, the less likely you are to recognize that you need to rest and recuperate. (Location 2155)
Not only that, but exhaustion is a primary trigger for anxiety. If I'm feeling sensitive or anxious, nine times out of ten it's because I've been overdoing it, working too hard or not getting enough sleep. (Location 2157)
If you really listen to what your feelings are trying to tell you, you can deal with them while they’re still nothing more than whispers — as a result, your feelings don’t have to scream at you to get what they need. (Location 2174)
Usually, after a day or two, once your body regains its balance, you’ll really feel the full weight of your exhaustion. (Location 2177)
I’m a huge fan of napping. It really does me wonders. If you feel tired during the day or if you’ve missed out on sleep, take a 20-minute nap. It can have a huge impact on your mood and energy levels. (Location 2180)
My cave time always starts with me giving myself full permission to do absolutely nothing. (Location 2192)
If you notice that your batteries are running low, aim for small victories. Accept that you’re going to get less done that day. You don’t have to give up your responsibilities completely, but it’s a good idea to lower your goals for the time being. (Location 2207)
After a good rest, you’ll be much more productive, alert and focused. Life will just flow smoother. By taking care of ourselves, we can all become better fathers, mothers, lovers, sisters, brothers and friends. (Location 2216)
Falling is a necessary part of getting better. Setbacks are an essential part of the journey to freedom from anxiety. You will have setbacks. (Location 2238)
Setbacks suck. They feel devastating. You’re hurting inside. It’s imperative that you support yourself through this tough time. Accept that it’s happened and forgive yourself fully. (Location 2252)
The reason I ask is this: 99% of our worries are just anticipation — and nothing else. (Location 2298)
The truth is that we rarely encounter our worries in real life. (Location 2304)
If you feel any resistance when trying to take action, I find this tip really helpful: simply focus on the next step that you need to take. Imagine putting a ring around it and only pay attention to what’s inside that ring. Let everything else drift into the background. Fill out the first few lines of your tax form. Pick up the phone and make an appointment with your doctor. Pick a day for dealing with the issue that you’re currently facing and put a note in your calendar. Whatever you do, place your entire focus on that one small thing and stop worrying about everything else for a while. (Location 2327)
Note: Focus
We live in a caffeine-fuelled world. Excessive caffeine use has been shown to raise our stress hormone levels, increase anxiety and interfere with our sleep quality. If you're currently in a sensitized state, I strongly suggest taking a break from coffee. As an alternative, you can switch to green tea or a high-quality decaf blend. In a few days, you'll notice the difference. (Location 2346)
“But I love my coffee!” So do I, but I love not feeling anxious more! The discomfort of not drinking coffee is a lot less uncomfortable than the discomfort caused by anxiety. (Location 2350)
Water can make a huge difference to your well-being! Every organ requires water in order to do its job well — and this includes our brain too. If we’re dehydrated, we can become a lot more sensitive to anxiety and stress. (Location 2368)
I’d say that this is an absolutely essential step towards a considerably less anxious life. Magnesium is the secret sauce for managing your anxiety. (Location 2379)
Simply taking some slow, deep breaths can ease your stress response and activate your relaxation system. (Location 2396)
Take a moment to imagine yourself one year from now, free from anxiety. Imagine your ideal day. What does it look like? How do you feel? Imagine some of the fun and enjoyable things you’ll do once you’re no longer stuck in the prison of fear. See yourself handling stressful situations calmly. It feels good, doesn’t it? This can be your future. You can have hope. So never, ever doubt that you can beat this. You can. (Location 2460)